In a Rut

There are times when I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. It’s probably been more prominent this semester, as it ends, then ever. I’m taking several classes that are forcing me to think about my perspective of life or life in general. I’m not huge on thinking of it all at the same time. I’ve already got a ton of stress in my life. Why do I need more?

One class- I believe my American Institutions class- mentioned how holding a college degree is becoming so common that it’s expected. It used to be something that would get you ahead in life. Now… Now what? A lot of people hold a college degree; so what? What makes me special? Nothing. I’m not going to hold some amazing helpful degree that’ll make me shine. I feel like I’m stuck. I feel like I’m not enjoying college as much as I should be. I want to do what I want, but everything else is demanding my attention. I can’t do what I want. College is not what people are telling me it is.
There was something else we discussed in that class. My teacher wondered why we weren’t willing to take risks or branch out. My thoughts about it is that I can’t. My dad wants me to get through college in four years. I cannot tell you how often I’ve heard “make sure it’s relevant. You can’t waste time.” In addition, it’s also because I’ve had support my whole life. I’m afraid of losing everything and not finding a place for me again. I can’t tell you how often I’ve had a day dream about dropping out of college and travelling. I want to take pictures. Enjoy the simplicity of nature and life without school. That’s all my life’s been based on. School. and I can’t define myself outside of it. Everything’s… school. I want a life outside of it. Now that I think about it, I’m wondering about what I want to do in life. Be a teacher. More school? Is that how prominent it is in my life? Is it because I truly enjoy teaching or is it because I can’t separate myself from the school environment?
I wish I could make a living for myself off of artsy things. Crocheting, knitting, photography. But I can’t. And I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been so trained to think I can’t or because I used to think I could but reality hit me hard and all my optimism about anything has been taken away from me. I feel like it’s both.
In the love letters I write to strangers, I constantly say, “Don’t let the world make you hard.” And I realized I’m saying a lot of things to these strangers that I don’t follow myself. I think, I’m too far gone. It’s already happened to me. All these things have passed me by. I tell these people these things because I don’t want it to happen to them.
I’m young. I should not be this bitter, this angry, this hateful at myself and at other things.
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