I’ll get back to posting recipes and stuff on Monday. Enough musings from me. But grant me this last one for a while, please?
I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving! I know I did, for the most part. There was the rare jab related to the election, but I ignored it successfully. My mom made the best turkey ever. Usually, the white meat on turkey is really dry, but my mom made it perfectly. The meat was tender and juicy. So great. I had a ton of stuffing. Ever since I was a kid, that’s been my favorite dish. The best thing to do the day after Thanksgiving? Turkey sandwich. I had one with stuffing and mayonnaise. Food heaven. Leftovers are the best. I’m a little sad I won’t be here much longer to chow down on more delicious leftovers.
Today, Nate came over and we got to spend the day together. He may have won more battles in Super Smash Bros Brawl, but I killed more people. So we both won! I’m apparently really good at getting kills in Brawl… I was winning up until Ricky became Ike and whooped everyone. His best character is Ike. No one stood a chance, really.
It was like a mini-Christmas! I gave Nate his early Christmas present, a hand-made blanket from a Loops and Threads yarn label. I’ve been using it since it was finished, and it’s kept me warm fairly well. Now he has it, and I gave it to him knowing it would keep him warm like it kept me warm. That’s a comfort of mine. Knowing that something I made is keeping him warm when I can’t. That’s funny for me to say, because I’m the one who gets cold easily. Not him. Usually, he’s too hot.
The blanket. I sat on my (lofted) bed to take this picture.
Towards the end of the visit, my dad made this offhanded comment. He meant nothing by it, but with the track record I’ve had with him recently, it crushed me almost immediately. It kicked the “why can’t I do anything right?” train into motion. I stopped responding to Nate’s comments and just started at his phone. I’m used to the feeling of worthlessness, but I’ve never shown it around someone else, let alone someone as important as Nate. He’s seen this, but it’s over Skype, and never in person. It’s easier to fake a better emotion if it’s not in person. But I couldn’t fake being happy in person.
Nate sat and held me and told me my dad didn’t mean it. He pointed out all I’ve ever done is try to please my parents and I needed to take a break. He just held me and made sure I was okay. The exact same thing happened when he left. He held me and told me he wouldn’t leave until I felt better. He said all these things, and I’ve come to this realization again. I’ve had it so many times, and it makes me feel better every time.
I can stand on my own two feet. It’s something I’ve been able to do for the longest time because I ended up not trusting people. Whenever I had a breakdown, it was always behind closed doors, and I took the time to compose myself so that no would could tell I had lost it just a few minutes before. I have to appear strong, I thought. I didn’t want to- heck, I still don’t want to- be seen as weak. So whenever I suffered breakdown because of stress or emotions or something, I never shared it with anyone. That was my pain and mine alone. I didn’t want to burden anyone. I’m so used to being everyone else’s shoulder to cry on that I thought I couldn’t let anyone see how I felt, because that would make everyone not come to me or not trust me or something like that.
However, with Nate, I found someone that I can confide my fears and sorrows and joys to and not feel worried about losing them. He lets me know he’ll always be there, and I am so grateful that he’s in my life. The way I acted earlier- being downtrodden- should have, by all means, given him a reason to say, “You know what? Cheer up and stop being mopey. You’re an adult, for God’s sake.” But Nate stayed and made sure I was okay. There’s nothing better than knowing that someone will be there for you, through thick and thin, to make sure you get a smile back on your face. That someone, for me, is Nate.